HOW TO BE A BAMF SPRING 2008!!!
Shit son, it looks like its that time again. Time when I have to empart my wisdom on to the young men in the world who have such tiny penis's just like Alex. Lets stop being pussies and jump into are latest installment of how to be a BAMF.
BAMF Lesson #1)
When your out with your girlfriend and she catches you looking down another womans shirt you, don't deny it. Instead you tell the other woman that you would like to have a three some because you are a veteran from some foreign war.
Example:GF- Are you looking down her shirt?
You-Shit she has a fine set of titties, Excuse me miss would you like to have a three some with me and my old lady?
Hottie- Well I don't know, you are a piece of man meat but...
You-When I was fighting Sanch in Mexico City the thought of you in a three some is what gave me the strength to rip his head off and beat his buddy Jose to death with the severed head.
Hottie-Well if you put it like that yes I will fuck you and your GF.
BAMF Lesson #2
When at the Bar and you see a faggy drunk guy hitting on your GF.
Example: Alex- So do you come here often?
GF-I have a boyfriend and he gets very jealous.
Alex- I don't see him around now...How bout you dance with me?
You-(you have been observing Alex from at least one hundred feet away, now you are ready to strike) Hey what are you doing with my woman.
Alex- Oh Ed I never realized that she was your woman.
You- Have a drink (then you throw a molotov cocktail you have been holding behind your back at Alex)
Alex-AHHHHHHHHH I'M ON FIRE!!!!!!
The key is that you have to teach assholes that make advances on your woman that you are a BAMF and know it. The best way to do that is to light them on fire with the cleansing flame of the Emperor. Points are added when you add a premortem or postmortem one liner.
YUMMY...THATS WHAT I CALL A MANLY MEAL, AND IF YOU DON'T EAT IT YOUR A FAG
BAMF Lesson #3
When out with your friends make sure that you go to a restaurant that has an eating competition where if you can eat the two pounds of American FDA approved Beef you get to eat free.
Example:Scott-Oh shit son look at how much meat is in that burger.
You-Many Cows were...Murdered to bring us this feast.
Scott-I am devouring all this delicious beef
Waitress- Is everything alright with your meal?
Scott-Shit bitch it was going fine until you came along, now go get me some Waffle Fries and give me a blow job, bitch.
Its just manly eating massive quantities of beef.
BAMF Lesson #4
When you see a cowboy you should make him your bitch by any means possible. Remember that John Wayne would tear these asshats eyes out if he ever saw them, so give them no mercy.
Example: Cowboy- Howdy partner.
You- Howdy cowpoke, you fuck your mom lately?
Cowboy-What did you say?
You- You heard me (This is where you head butt the little bastard)
Remember cowboys don't really exist any more. Cowboys of old were short little dudes like me. Thats because a little guy can ride a horse for a long assed time because the horse doesn't get tired. Because the cowboys were short they also hated EVERY ONE. That is why they killed so much shit. So when you see a dude prancing around like he is a cowboy ask him if he has ever killed a man in cold blood. If he says no then he is a poser and deserves a righteous ass kicking.
BAMF Lesson #5
Always try to insult everyone in the group in one fell swoop.
Example: You are sitting around a table. Their is a White Trash Fucker, a black guy, and a Chinese Hawaiian.
You-GOD DAMN IT JOHN LAU YOU ARE SUCH A FUCKING JEW BAG. SHIT IN MY HOOD WE WOULD NEVER EVER SHOP AT WALMART. YOU HEAR ME NIGGER. THATS JUST HOW WE DON'T ROLL IN MY HOOD!
The key here is that you call the China man a Jew bag, then you make slurs about being black, while dissing Walmart. What I love best about this tactic is that the White Trash Fucker is the one that feels the most used out of it because the slur about Walmart and being black at the same time hurts his racist values. Remember its not that your a racist. Its just that you make a slure against everyone in the world. That is your goal. To be an asshole to everyone.
BAMF Lesson #1)
When your out with your girlfriend and she catches you looking down another womans shirt you, don't deny it. Instead you tell the other woman that you would like to have a three some because you are a veteran from some foreign war.
Example:GF- Are you looking down her shirt?
You-Shit she has a fine set of titties, Excuse me miss would you like to have a three some with me and my old lady?
Hottie- Well I don't know, you are a piece of man meat but...
You-When I was fighting Sanch in Mexico City the thought of you in a three some is what gave me the strength to rip his head off and beat his buddy Jose to death with the severed head.
Hottie-Well if you put it like that yes I will fuck you and your GF.
See how you not only got your three way but you also were able to put your old lady in her place for her trying to keep your dick in your pants. You also get points for throwing out the thousand yard stare while recounting your epic battle.
When at the Bar harness the powers of Dalton, the Patron Saint of Bouncing
When at the Bar harness the powers of Dalton, the Patron Saint of Bouncing
BAMF Lesson #2
When at the Bar and you see a faggy drunk guy hitting on your GF.
Example: Alex- So do you come here often?
GF-I have a boyfriend and he gets very jealous.
Alex- I don't see him around now...How bout you dance with me?
You-(you have been observing Alex from at least one hundred feet away, now you are ready to strike) Hey what are you doing with my woman.
Alex- Oh Ed I never realized that she was your woman.
You- Have a drink (then you throw a molotov cocktail you have been holding behind your back at Alex)
Alex-AHHHHHHHHH I'M ON FIRE!!!!!!
The key is that you have to teach assholes that make advances on your woman that you are a BAMF and know it. The best way to do that is to light them on fire with the cleansing flame of the Emperor. Points are added when you add a premortem or postmortem one liner.
YUMMY...THATS WHAT I CALL A MANLY MEAL, AND IF YOU DON'T EAT IT YOUR A FAG
When out with your friends make sure that you go to a restaurant that has an eating competition where if you can eat the two pounds of American FDA approved Beef you get to eat free.
Example:Scott-Oh shit son look at how much meat is in that burger.
You-Many Cows were...Murdered to bring us this feast.
Scott-I am devouring all this delicious beef
Waitress- Is everything alright with your meal?
Scott-Shit bitch it was going fine until you came along, now go get me some Waffle Fries and give me a blow job, bitch.
Its just manly eating massive quantities of beef.
BAMF Lesson #4
When you see a cowboy you should make him your bitch by any means possible. Remember that John Wayne would tear these asshats eyes out if he ever saw them, so give them no mercy.
Example: Cowboy- Howdy partner.
You- Howdy cowpoke, you fuck your mom lately?
Cowboy-What did you say?
You- You heard me (This is where you head butt the little bastard)
Remember cowboys don't really exist any more. Cowboys of old were short little dudes like me. Thats because a little guy can ride a horse for a long assed time because the horse doesn't get tired. Because the cowboys were short they also hated EVERY ONE. That is why they killed so much shit. So when you see a dude prancing around like he is a cowboy ask him if he has ever killed a man in cold blood. If he says no then he is a poser and deserves a righteous ass kicking.
BAMF Lesson #5
Always try to insult everyone in the group in one fell swoop.
Example: You are sitting around a table. Their is a White Trash Fucker, a black guy, and a Chinese Hawaiian.
You-GOD DAMN IT JOHN LAU YOU ARE SUCH A FUCKING JEW BAG. SHIT IN MY HOOD WE WOULD NEVER EVER SHOP AT WALMART. YOU HEAR ME NIGGER. THATS JUST HOW WE DON'T ROLL IN MY HOOD!
The key here is that you call the China man a Jew bag, then you make slurs about being black, while dissing Walmart. What I love best about this tactic is that the White Trash Fucker is the one that feels the most used out of it because the slur about Walmart and being black at the same time hurts his racist values. Remember its not that your a racist. Its just that you make a slure against everyone in the world. That is your goal. To be an asshole to everyone.
posted by Delta2 at 11:22 PM
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