300 Super Sized Review

300 is the greatest movie ever. This film has changed my life for ever. Before I saw this movie I was just a candyass but now that I saw how the Spartans pwned, I have decided that it is my life goal to become a Spartan. Oh and before I forget if you havent read the graphic novel by Frank Miller then you are a pussy and should do so pronto.

300 is about the mother fucking battle 0f Thermopylae. It was a battle where Sparta cockslaped the Persian army. Iran is bitching about how the Persians got pimp slapped but maybe they should read history and realize that Iran will always be a vagina in the eyes of the western world.

I'll give you a synopsis of the Spartans. Sparta was a Greek city state that loved to kill. While Athens was developing democracy Sparta was always preparing for war. They took young boys from home and trained them to be the greatest fighters the world had ever seen. The rights of passage for a Spartan boy was to kill a slave with his bare hands. Thats right to be a man a Spartan had to kill some one. Even Spartan women were hard core as they were trained in hand to hand combat and rudimentary use of the phalanx.
"Armor is for Athenian Pussies"

It was rumored that the first Spartan was Herakles himself. (thats the original spelling before it was bastardized by ass holes) Spartan law dictated that a Spartan could never retreat and to never surrender. Spartans were the most bad assed people the world will ever see.

On the other side were the Persians. They sucked balls. Persia was the largest land empire at the time. The elite warrior the Persians had were the Immortals. Not because they could live forever. Quiet the opposite. You see Immortals got there names because they died in such numbers that when a nation beat them they would immortalize the Persian turkey shoot.

So 300 starts off with the tale of how Leonidas King of Sparta cock slapped a wolf to death when he was only ten. Then it brings us to the present where we see Sparta. Its probably the most beautiful place in the whole ancient world and everyone is always happy because they pwn so much. Then a Persian comes riding into town like hes some fucking bad ass or something. He drops the skulls of a bunch of kings who didn't submit to Persia, on Leonidas's door step. Leonidas doing what any good father would do is training his son in the art of killing. Leonidas talks to the Persian who is asking for land and water. Then the Persian makes a snide ass remark about the queen. She tells him that she is more man then he because Spartan women give birth to warriors. This was fucking BAMF. So Leonidas thinks it through and realizes that Athens turned down Persia peace offer and if a bunch of boy lovers like the Athenians had that kind of balls then he couldn't submit to Persia. So Leonidas gives the Persian messenger plenty of land and water at the bottom of a well that he kicks the dude into.

Leonidas then goes to the Oracle to find out if he can bring the Spartan army to war. But the priests that control the Oracle are fucking traitors and they tell Leonidas that the Spartan army cant go to war until after the summer festival. And that if Sparta was to go to war a king must die. Leonidas is like FUCK THIS. But he also never breaks the law and what ever the Oracle says is law. So Leonidas gets his 300 closest friends together and decides to go for a walk. Before Leonidas leaves the Queen tells him "Spartan come back with your shield, or on it" This means that she expects him to kill every mother fucking Persian or to die trying

While on the March to Thermopolye where Leonidas hopes to stop the Persian advance because it is very narrow and the millions of persians wont be able to fight at once but more a hundred at a time instead. Leonidas meets up with some other Greeks from other city states. They start bitching because they only see 300 Spartans but Leonidas points out that he brought the finest warriors on earth while the other Greeks brought a bunch of militiamen. When the Spartans get to Thermopolye it starts to storm. (Thermopolye is next to the Aegean Sea) The storm is smashing up the Persian fleet on a whole bunch of rocks. Its because Poseidon doesn't like fucking Persians. Every one is celebrating except Leonidas. Leonidas is pissed because the men on the ships that were being killed were men he couldn't kill.

The next day The Spartans build a wall so that the can funnel the Persain advance. They build the wall out of rocks and Persian scouts. A Persian emissary comes out and starts yelling at the Spartans but the Spartans ignoring him because he was an obvious homo. So he tries to whip one of the Spartans. The Spartan Jumps through the air and cuts off the Persians arm before the whip ever lands. The Persian starts to cry and threatens the Spartans. He says "Our arrows will blot out the sky" and the Sparta returned "then we will fight in the shade." Leonidas meets up with this deformed dude who wants to kill too. But Leonidas tells him that he cant fight because he would compromise the phalanx and that he should be running support. Well the deformed fellow has a temper tantrum and runs off.

The Persian army which consists of over a million men decides to go on the march. Unfortunately for them the 300 Spartans have just formed their phalanx in the Hot Gates the most narrow part of the pass. So a whole shit load of Persians charge at the Spartans and Leonidas being a total BAMF says to his men "THIS IS WHERE WE FIGHT, THIS IS WHERE THEY DIE" Which was literally true. The Persians in the first wave were all killed.

The Spartans kill Persians all day long without taking any casualties themselves. The other Greek troops are pissed because they watched the Spartans kill over 9000 Persians in an hour and they haven't killed yet. So Xerxes the King of Persia and a major homo decides to try and buy Leonidas off. So he comes up to Leonidas and tells him that if he kneels he will be war lord to all of Greece. Leonidas says that thats a really nice offer but that he couldn't kneel because he had received a kink in his leg due to all the killing he had been doing and that he should just walk it off. Leonidas did this just to piss off Xerxes.

Xerxes sends in the Immortals when night fell. That was okay because during the evening the Spartans were really bored and built a mountain of bodies. All they had to do was push the mountain over and it crushed at leas one hundred Immortals. Then Leonidas had the other Greeks chop up the Immortals because they were such losers.

So that night the Spartans partied because the killing had been so good. But the next day the Persians were at it again. They tried to throw hand grenades at the Spartans but this just pissed the Spartans off so the Spartans blew all the grenadiers up. Then the Persians tried to use elephants and rhinos on the Spartans but the Spartans laughed as the elephants slipped into the sea because they tripped on all the blood. In one really awesome scene two Spartans break rank and just go rampaging. It was awesome. The only sad part was that shortly after one of those Spartans got his head chopped off. This pissed off that particular Spartans father. The father killed even more Persains and had to be dragged back to the phalanx by none other than Leonidas himself.

Meanwhile in Sparta the Queen is trying to raise the army but traitorous politicians are having a stop to it until she decides to stab the cock sucker and all of his money with Xerxes penis on it fell out of his pocket. Sparta decided it was time to go to war because Spartan women are good at killing traitors.

So the night of the second day of battle the Spartans are all really tiered so they don't party. But the deformed dude who was pissed because he wasn't allowed to kill went to the Persian side and told Xerxes about a goat path that would allow the Persians to flank the Greeks. The Greek scouts realize that they are about to be boned. So Leonidas wakes up his Spartans and tells them to oil up and work out. He then gets Dilios the only Spartan who is really really good at telling stories. He tells Dilios that he must return to Sparta and tell them what had happened. Leonidas tells the other Greeks to fall back that his 300 Spartans will cover the retreat. He then tells his men about a lovely restaurant that they will dine in at the end of the day. If my my memory severs me right the quote goes like this "SPARTANS READY YOUR BREAKFAST AND EAT HEARTY, FOR TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL"

So the Spartans form up into a turtle shell formation and wait for the Persians. Xerxes comes up real close to the front to because he wants to gloat. The deformed fellow pleads for Leonidas to surrender. Leonidas tells the deformed fellow that he wished that the deformed guy would live forever because thats the biggest dis a warrior can ever give. So Leonidas takes off his helmet throws down his shield and kneels. Xerxes thinks hes won but thats only because Leonidas turned his own body into a launching platform for one of the other Spartans to jump out of the formation and launch himself at one of the Persian generals. The Spartans break formation and start killing. Unfortunately many of them are getting killed. Leonidas picks up a spear and throws it at Xerxes but only hits Xerxes' cheek. Leonidas then takes a hellofalot of arrows. He looks around and sees him men are dead or dieing. Hes sad but he knows that they died warrior deaths. The Persians then shoot enough arrows at Leonidas that they literally block out the sun. Leonidas dies like a real man. Some say he only took a nap and I wish I could believe that but unfortunately he had to have died because he would have broken Spartan l
aw if he survived the battle without killing all of the Persians.

The end of the Film is with Dilios telling the story of the 300 Spartans to a camp full of Spartans. Dilios then forms his men up and we realize that he has the entire Spartan army with him. They then go and kill the Persians.

Let Me see your war face AHHHHHH