Epic Tales Episode Two

Indeed it is that time again when I retell another story from the holy tomb known as The Book Of Epic Tales. What are we going to learn today? Well today is Cinco De Mayo and we will learn the true story of how the French were defeated in Mexico.

Would you let your children near this man?

Long ago in the distant land of Mexico Santa Anna was crying for being defeated by America in one of the finest military victories in the history of North American warfare. Santa Anna decided to call his good friend Napoleon who had just got his ass kicked by the Duke of Wellington. (greatest Pimp to ever come out of Britain) They both needed a military victory to prove they werent total pussies. So they went to there friend Willie Wonka and asked him to fund an invasion of the United States, which was mistakenly known to have Umpa Lumpa's in great supply. Willie gave them the green light and outfitted them the finest army a candy fortune could buy.

Mean while Captain Scott Mitchel was deep in the shit, battling Kim Jung Il for five days straight on top of a train. (Kim was wearing a mech suit) After defeating Kim whom was thrown off the train and eaten by a flock of seagulls. Mitchel was looking forward to some R&R with his good friend Ding Chavez who had just foiled yet another Neo Nazi Terrorist Organization or NNTO for short. They were going to visit Jack Bauer who had just finished torturing an entire staff at a New Mexico Burger King for not making his burger his way. He let them live after the 285 hour ordeal when he realized that he was mistaken and that he did order mayo on his double Whopper with cheese.

Thats a Face that says FUCK YOU to anti Americanisms-Ding Chavez

They were all enjoying a beer with each other congratulating themselves for saving America once again from all the threats of the world. Then Jack, who has been so preconditioned to kill all things that hate America, saw a massive army of French and Mexican soldiers crossing the border. He informed his comrades that illegal immigration was going on. Ding pulled out his SCAR-H which he always kept on him just in case an army of pansies ever crossed the boarder. And Scott pulled out his trusty SAW. They engaged the Mexican French Army with extream predjudice. Many Mexicans and French men fell. Yet they still moved upon the three stoake heros. Jack Bauer riped a Mexicans Skull out and procided to beat any French men who came withen arm reach. Ding prayed that god would give him more ammo.

God did grant him his wish. Because at that very moment Chuck Norris plumeted to earth. (Chuck had gone to fight with the Space Marines against the Tau) Chuck Norris landed in the middle of the un American army. He kicked Santa Annas head clean off and ripped Napoleans hand clean off. (thats why he always hid his stump in his coat pocket) Chuck Norris killed thousands of troops in mere seconds.

When the dust cleared only four men were left alive. Chuck Norris calmly walked over to Ding, Scott, and Jack and thanked them for protecting America and that they had gained his respect as American hero's and intergalactic Pimps. He then told them that he must go and tell small boys that they have AIDS.

Scott, Ding and, Jack were very happy with the carnage and called all of their friends in Rainbow, Delta, SF, and the CIA to have a Bar B-Q.

Napolean ran back to France where he was beaten by Wellington once again at Waterloo. Mexico lied about what had happened to the combined army and said that it was Mexico who defeated the French. And Willie Wonka never was able to enlarge his slave labor force. He was eventually found dead with an Umpa Lumpa stuck up his ass. It is believed that Mr T was sent by the State Department to discuss slave labor laws with Mr Wonka"Mr T don't like no slave labor" Not many people know that