How to be a BAMF returns
I have been informed that my tips on how to be a BAMF were very informative and helpful but that I needed to impart more of my wisdom onto the world of pussies and metrosexuals. (Shane once called himself one, that is why he will always be a walking vagina)
BAMF LESSON #1
When talking to women never ever let more than three seconds of silence ensue, so if you have nothing to talk about you should ask her if she will come to your house for you to perform sexual acts on her
Example: After hunting a shark all day with a girl and an old man, the old man has just left
Girl- I'm really tiered
Scott-Yeah I am too, but I'm really wired you know?
Girl-Yeah
Scott-Why don't I take you home and eat your pussy?
Girl-Okay, that sounds really good.
It's amazing how often this method works. All your man friends will be impressed with the ease you pick up random women and the ladies will be intrigued about you when they hear about your sexual prowess.
BAMF LESSON #2
When at the mall make sure you go out of your way to inflict pain on the queens at Hollister and other places Shane would shop.
Example: You go to the mall to see Ronny James Dio during an album signing tour, you pass by Hollister an over priced clothing store for metrosexuals.
Faggy Hollister Kid- Can I help you to look fabulous?
You-FUCK YOU (next think FHK should see is your fist)
FHK-Oh my nose. I think you broke it.
The amount of pain you inflict should be inverse to the size shirt the FHK is wearing, because its policy for Hollister employees to wear clothing that is two sizes to small. So if they are wearing a size 2 beat them so that they have an eight on the pain scale. Don't worry about them wearing anything above size six (so you can give them a minimum of a 4 on the pain scale) Because Hollister doesn't pay anyone who looks like a normal human.
Charles Bronson hates metrosexuals and thus he hates Shane.
BAMF LESSON #3
When you see a group of people you don't like, inform them the order in which you will kill them. Then kill them out of order.
Example: You see a get together of a group of tools from high school
You-Alex you will be the first to die and Shane will be the last.
Shane-Cops can drink on the job...he he he thats all I gots to say.
You-(Pick him up by the leg and dangle him over a cliff)
Shane-(while pissing himself) Don't kill me!
You- Remember when I said I would kill you last?
Shane-yes yes oh god don't kill me!
You- I LIED (and let go of his leg)
The key to make this work is to then ask them if they remembered which order they were supposed to be killed in. It gives you a much more dramatic effect.
John Matrix told Sully that he would die last...Matrix Lied
BAMF LESSON #4
When your friend has a brand new kid look at it and imply that it looks very much yourself.
Example: Mitch and Erica just had a kid (Note, Mitch has not knocked her up because he is a pimp who knows how not to fuck up his life)
Mitch-I shall call him mini me.
Scott-Lawl, ur going to have to listen to gay shit and not slayer around your kid.
Mitch-Fuck that.
You-Hey he has my eyes.
Mitch-What the fuck man?
You-I'm just saying that those eyes and that massive cock must come from his real father.
Sure you might actually get your ass kicked, and thats a big if since you've learned how to be a BAMF already, but its alright. You see your actually introducing violence to your friends new kid. As the kid will watch a full out fist fight ala They Live. The kid will forever be hard after watching so much awesome. Bonus points go if the kid is actually your's and you do trick your friend into raising it.
BAMF LESSON #5
Headbutt people who think they are the man. It doesnt matter who they think they are what matters is that you put them in their place and show them that you are infact the man and a BAMF.
Example: You are meeting your girl friends father for the first time.
GF- Now be nice, and I'll reward you with sex.
You-Okay
GF- (lets you in the house) Hey daddy meet______.
GFs Dad-How do you do son.
You-Ohh I'm not your son (BAM You just headbutted the dad so hard that he was knocked uncontious)
GF-What the fuck did you do to my dad?
You-... ... ...
GF-Well what do you have to say for yourself?
You-What do you say we come back to my place and I'll eat your pussy?
GF-Okay
You see the key to this one is that you knock the person out. That lets you have a clear advantage over them because when they wake up the first thing they will remember is your forehead rocketing at them at Mach 5. They will always know that you are infact the man and that they are your bitch forever.
This image should be so burned into the mind of your adversary that this is actually what you would see if you cut there brain open.
BAMF LESSON #1
When talking to women never ever let more than three seconds of silence ensue, so if you have nothing to talk about you should ask her if she will come to your house for you to perform sexual acts on her
Example: After hunting a shark all day with a girl and an old man, the old man has just left
Girl- I'm really tiered
Scott-Yeah I am too, but I'm really wired you know?
Girl-Yeah
Scott-Why don't I take you home and eat your pussy?
Girl-Okay, that sounds really good.
It's amazing how often this method works. All your man friends will be impressed with the ease you pick up random women and the ladies will be intrigued about you when they hear about your sexual prowess.
BAMF LESSON #2
When at the mall make sure you go out of your way to inflict pain on the queens at Hollister and other places Shane would shop.
Example: You go to the mall to see Ronny James Dio during an album signing tour, you pass by Hollister an over priced clothing store for metrosexuals.
Faggy Hollister Kid- Can I help you to look fabulous?
You-FUCK YOU (next think FHK should see is your fist)
FHK-Oh my nose. I think you broke it.
The amount of pain you inflict should be inverse to the size shirt the FHK is wearing, because its policy for Hollister employees to wear clothing that is two sizes to small. So if they are wearing a size 2 beat them so that they have an eight on the pain scale. Don't worry about them wearing anything above size six (so you can give them a minimum of a 4 on the pain scale) Because Hollister doesn't pay anyone who looks like a normal human.
Charles Bronson hates metrosexuals and thus he hates Shane.
When you see a group of people you don't like, inform them the order in which you will kill them. Then kill them out of order.
Example: You see a get together of a group of tools from high school
You-Alex you will be the first to die and Shane will be the last.
Shane-Cops can drink on the job...he he he thats all I gots to say.
You-(Pick him up by the leg and dangle him over a cliff)
Shane-(while pissing himself) Don't kill me!
You- Remember when I said I would kill you last?
Shane-yes yes oh god don't kill me!
You- I LIED (and let go of his leg)
The key to make this work is to then ask them if they remembered which order they were supposed to be killed in. It gives you a much more dramatic effect.
John Matrix told Sully that he would die last...Matrix LiedBAMF LESSON #4
When your friend has a brand new kid look at it and imply that it looks very much yourself.
Example: Mitch and Erica just had a kid (Note, Mitch has not knocked her up because he is a pimp who knows how not to fuck up his life)
Mitch-I shall call him mini me.
Scott-Lawl, ur going to have to listen to gay shit and not slayer around your kid.
Mitch-Fuck that.
You-Hey he has my eyes.
Mitch-What the fuck man?
You-I'm just saying that those eyes and that massive cock must come from his real father.
Sure you might actually get your ass kicked, and thats a big if since you've learned how to be a BAMF already, but its alright. You see your actually introducing violence to your friends new kid. As the kid will watch a full out fist fight ala They Live. The kid will forever be hard after watching so much awesome. Bonus points go if the kid is actually your's and you do trick your friend into raising it.
BAMF LESSON #5
Headbutt people who think they are the man. It doesnt matter who they think they are what matters is that you put them in their place and show them that you are infact the man and a BAMF.
Example: You are meeting your girl friends father for the first time.
GF- Now be nice, and I'll reward you with sex.
You-Okay
GF- (lets you in the house) Hey daddy meet______.
GFs Dad-How do you do son.
You-Ohh I'm not your son (BAM You just headbutted the dad so hard that he was knocked uncontious)
GF-What the fuck did you do to my dad?
You-... ... ...
GF-Well what do you have to say for yourself?
You-What do you say we come back to my place and I'll eat your pussy?
GF-Okay
You see the key to this one is that you knock the person out. That lets you have a clear advantage over them because when they wake up the first thing they will remember is your forehead rocketing at them at Mach 5. They will always know that you are infact the man and that they are your bitch forever.
This image should be so burned into the mind of your adversary that this is actually what you would see if you cut there brain open.
posted by Delta2 at 9:54 AM
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