80s Action Week: Conan the Barbarian

Yes it's the epic master piece about Conan and his quest to learn the secret of steel, revenge and pussy. I have a secret, he gets all three. It's Hump day in our 80s action ho down and Schwarzenegger giving us a double feature, as I will also review Conan the Destroyer.

Gipper Approved?
Not really. Conan takes place in a world of high adventure and not much politicking can be said. I guess the most Republican of a message we can pull from Conan is that a man has to forge his own kingdom by his own hands and sword.

One Liners:
Conan-Crom
Conan-Crom laughs at your four winds
Valeria-Do you want to live forever?
Conan-To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of there women.
Pretty much anything that comes out of Conans mouth is gold

Post Mortem One Liners:

Conan-CromThis is how Conan likes to take a nap

Gratuitous Acts of Violence?
Oh the Killing...We have 83 confirmed kills in this movie which is impressive as they didn't give Conan a gun. Thus we have a huge number of people being decapitated, impaled, crushed, and what not. We have so many notable deaths where do I start? For one Conan's father is eaten by a pack of dogs. Then we have Valeria who is killed with a snake arrow, as in a snake that has been shot from a bow. A throat is ripped out. A man is hung and used as a counterweight for Valeria's escape. Did I already mention that we get at least five decapitations including James Earl Jones. And of course last but not least a woman is thrown into a fire and bursts into magic...

Animal Brutality?
We have a special category for this film because lets face it animals are treated very poorly in this film. Conan's father teaches Conan that you can never trust beasts. Conan takes this to heart and decides to maim or kill every animal he sees. Seven horses are killed out right and several snakes are killed as well. The best animal kill happens when Conan battles a giant snake. He stabs clean through its brain and it is shot in the head with several arrows. Now most people would think that the snake is dead and they would be right. But Conan needed to have a corpse kill so he decided to cut the snakes head off. Conan also kills a pack of at least six dogs and wears there fur as a trophy. Last but not least after getting high on some shrooms, everyone thinks hes drunk in this scene but then I remembered that he had just bought some shrooms in the scene before, Conan knocks a camel out with one mighty punch.

Sexual Content?
Well Conan does have sex in this movie. He is even used as a breeder of warrior children at the beginning. He then has even more sex with Valeria. But because this is the 80s she is brutally killed, by the before mentioned snake arrow. We also see other women get brutalized when Conan makes a raid on James Earl Jones' base. And then again when Conan uses the Princess as bait. And Last of all Conan beats a gay man to death so he can have the gay mans cloths. We see only one Man Ass in Conan and it happens to be Conan's. Mind you we do see some partial Man Ass shots from everyone else. Conan has a healthy 12 breasts and an incredibly impressive one Kooch shot. Conan set that Kooch on fire...pity

No One Will Remember If We Were Good Men Or Bad?
Conan the Barbarian is very good. Its done with lots of subtlety that most movie goers wont pick up. Conan doesn't speak until we are almost 24 minutes into the movie and what he does say is usually profound. The movies theme is that even those who think they can control the masses cant control the guy who sneaks up to you with the massive sword. If you leave Conan with one feeling it should be the urge to learn the riddle of Steel so that you may be able to go to Valhalla.

Misc
Was there a nuclear blast? No
Was someone kicked in the face? No
Did a building explode? No
Did something explode for no reason? Yes Valeria's body exploded for no reason when the put her on the funeral pyre.

Conan the Barbarian is a must watch. 1982 was a good year just because this movie came out that year.