Epic Tales 4

Fathers Day is today and I broke out the ole Book of Epic Tales so that I could tell you why we celebrate it.

In the Beginning Chuck Norris created the Earth. He created it because he saw that the rest of the universe was filled with Fucking Xenos and did not like the idea of a universe filled with them. He did not want to go to any old planet that had even the slightest taint of Xeno scum. So he decided to build a planet that would be free and where he could place creatures of his own design.

Chuck Norris built Holy Terra in only 15 seconds as that was all the time he needed to scoop matter from the star Sol and formed it into a planet. He then imagined many forms of plant life and they grew from the ground. He then imagined animals, and they sprang forth. He finally created women. He thought of the one thing that would give him a massive hard on more then killing. (And thats why women are the fairer sex, thus the most beautiful things on the planet besides the F-22 Raptor)

Chuck Norris then invited his friend Crom who he gave a pent house under the Mountains. Crom would choose who would enter Valhalla and who would forever be a bitch. Chuck Norris then built himself the sacred city of Sparta where he would rule. When Sparta was finally finished he declared, "THIS IS SPARTA!!!"

Chuck Norris one day had a visitor. It was Satan. She was nagging him about how he left the Andromada galaxy uninhabitable. Chuck Norris calmly walked over to Satan and then kicked her in the face so hard that she was sent into the under world. Chuck looked down at her and told her that you do not fuck with Chuck. And that is why Satan is forever the lady of Hell.

Chuck Norris didn't like those asshole Andromedans

Lord Norris looked on the world and was pleased, with the world he had created. That is until he realized that women in the wild were not acting very violent. Sure they would have to mud wreslte or cat fight but in general he found that they were not up to killing massive amounts of Xenos. Lord Norris pondered this for a while. He then decided that he would have to have sex with each and every woman on earth, in the hopes that a solution would come to him.

Nine months later each and every woman had a child. Half of these children were males. The first of a new breed of human. A breed that found the thought of peace disgusting, and violence the only way one could leave Chuck Norris's Paradise. Now out of the males we find two distinct variations. Pirates and Ninjas.

Some say that you can be both a Pirate and a Ninja this is a LIE. Only Chuck Norris has the genes of both Piratse and Ninjas. Every one else is one or the other the Pirate of course being the more numorus as Ninjas have high mortality rates as they set out to kill Xenos only minutes after they punch there way out of the womb.

Mr T is forever remembered as Chuck Norris's Eldest son

Chuck Norris found his eldest sons and named them Vin Diesel, Leonidas, Mr. T, Sam Elliot, and Charles Bronson. He told them that they were the Man Lords and that they would have to teach humanity how to kick ass and take names. He told them that they would have to one day lead humanity into the stars and to conquer every last Xeno.

And that is the tale of how Chuck Norris single handedly fathered all of mankind. So for this Fathers day lets have a special thanks to the Immortal God Emperor...Chuck Norris