80s Action Week: Road House

Yes Road House, our next installment in the epicness of the 80s. Maybe not the bloodiest of the genre but defiantly one of the most violent films of all time. If I could sum the film up in one sentence It would be...A bar fight of epic proportions.

Gipper Approved?
The film is pretty much about how an evil land owner who wants to own all of the small businesses. Now this alone isn't all that bad but the evil owner Brad (a weak name if I ever heard one) likes to have drunken orgies at his house and Regan would defiantly bring out the Regan Punch for that one. Road House also shows that the police are inept because they are easily paid off by liberal pussies, and that if you want to uphold the law you have to do it yourself, and a little help from your double barreled 12 gage.

One Liners:
Dalton-Pain don't hurt.
Sam Elliot- I'll get all the sleep I need when I'm dead
Tinker-A polar bear fell on me (best Line of the entire movie

Post Mortem One Liners?
Jimmy-I used to fuck guys like you in prison (technically its a pre-mortem)

Note-It was tails

Watch out Dalton, you touch Sam Elliot like that again and your going to be picking up your teeth with your asscheeks

Gratuitous Acts Of Violence?
Well the entire movie is about Dalton who is the greatest bouncer of all time. He decides to bounce an entire rowdy town. Thus the fist fights in this movie are long, numerous, and epic. Sadly only seven people die in this movie and thats at the end. Three notable deaths occurred during the movie. The first being Brad a 90 pound weakling was able to take something like five shotgun slugs in the upper torso before he buys it, the second being Jimmy who gets his throat ripped out and after he is clearly dead Dalton drowns him just to be sure he's really dead. And the last notable death is Sam Elliot. Now I have to count him as a technical kill because he does seem to be dead with a knife in his chest. But we all know that its much harder to kill one of the Man Lords. I honestly believe that he was infact taking a nap and a knife just happened to be placed in his chest. But for the sake of argument I'll count him as a kill.

Sexual Content?

Well for one the main character is named Dalton which is the most gay name on Holy Terra. If you have the name of Dalton in real life you are a fucking pussy end of discussion. But Dalton has some redeeming qualities, like he actually has sex with a woman. This is so unsterotypical for movies of this genre its very refreshing. He however does turn down two other womens sexual advances and so it leaves his sexual orientation in question. Road House leaves us with two man asses to an impressive 20 womens breasts. These are some of the finest examples of female mammarys I have seen on film. Road House also gives us many instances of woman being brutalized as this is the 80s. As the people in the bar fights don't seem to care who they hit we see several women right in the thick of it just like the men, notable mentions is Brads girlfriend who is beaten black and blue, and a girl at the begining who...prepare yourself for this...GETS KICKED IN THE VAGINA. That was funny shit, I fell out of my chair laughing when I saw that little maneuver.

Sex with a woman...Somewhat unexpected coming from a guy named Dalton.

No One Not Even You Will Remember If We Were Good Men Or Bad?
This movie was increadibly campy. The plot was contrived to no ends. But I give it points in that it gave us a look into the nitty gritty world of bouncing. Dalton earned himself a place as the patron saint of bouncing.

Misc
Was there a nuclear blast? No
Was some one kicked in the face? Yes
Did a building explode? Kind of, The buildings were only set on fire but then they had secondary explosions for no reason.
Did something explode for no reason? Yes Dalton's Mercedes Benz

Overall I find Road House to be a fun movie for all members of the family. It gives everyone a greater understanding of the bar world, teaching young drunks how to act in a bar, and reminding the old timers how it used to be in the 70s before bouncers learned to kill. I give Road House 47 kicks to the face because although its awesome, Sam Elliot doesn't kill anyone and because of this very fact we have a very low kill count.