80s Action Week: Conan the Destroyer

Oh shit I can't believe we have even more Conan action in our trip through 80s bliss. Conan the Destroyer the official sequel to Conan the Barbarian is a look into how something so inherently awesome can go wrong.

Gipper Approved?
None.

One Liners:
Conan-Crom
Conan-Get back to ze Crypt (just like how Schwarzenegger said get back to ze chopper in Predator)

Post Mortem One Liners:
(Pre Mortem One Liner) Enough Talk (Conan throws a dagger into a guys chest)

Gratuitous Acts Of Violence?
We only get 66 kills compared to Conan the Barbarians 83. I was somewhat disappointed because even though we had more people decapitated and stabbed we got very few unique deaths. The most unique one I can think of is the Queen getting impaled on a Demons horn. The high point in the killing was when the already mentioned Demon is killed by having its horn ripped out Conan then stabs its dyeing body, and then his gay side kick stabs it with a knife making this the only corps kill of this entire movie. An honorable mention goes to the wizard who gets Conan's sword thrown into his chest.

Animal Brutality?
Again Conan the Destroyer sucked compared to Conan the Barbarian. No animals are killed and only one horse and the camel from the first film are punched in the face.

Sexual Content?
No sex in this movie...I was bummed out. Although we do get to see Grace Jones' ass so its almost a man ass, we also don't get any titties as if they decided that sexual content wasn't cool in 1984. Princess Jehnna described as a "woman child" which is funny because she was 15 at the time of the film. Anywho Princess Jehnna is placed in the care of Wilt Champerlain the same man who had sex with 20,000 women. He must make sure that Conan does not have sex with her which again seems very funny. The Princess though takes a liking to Conan and is trying to get him to fuck her throughout the entire movie. She even goes as far as attempt to make him king of her kingdom. Of course Conan turns her down because she is jail bait.

whats 30 divided by 2? 15

No One Not Even You Will Remember If We Were Good Men Or Bad?
Oh this movie sucked compared to Conan the Barbarian. I don't know what it was, maybe they gave Conan to much dialog, maybe it was the shitty editing (We have a scene where we see everyone on there horses in the woods including Mako, But the problem is Mako hasent been rescued by Conan yet because he is on a spit and is about to be roasted in the very next scene.)
They also got rid of Conan's cool side kick from the previous movie. Instead we get a 90 pound weakling who bitches all the time. I have no idea why Conan didn't kill the little cock sucker and be done with him.

Crom laughs at you and your head dress, and your fancy wine

Misc
Was there a nuclear blast? No
Was some one kicked in the face? No
Did a building explode? No
Did something explode for no reason? No

Conan the Destroyer might actually be good but just remember that if you watch this movie right after you watched Conan the Barbarian you will be very disappointed.