Epic Tales 5

Once again the Book of Epic Tales has willed itself to read. Now gather round as another tale from the Immortal God Emperors memoirs is read allowed for mortal ears to hear.

Once long ago in the land of New Hampshire, a young lad named Ronnie decided to go on on an adventure. Ronnie had long known that he had a destiny for Mr T had once come to him in a dream and told him that he would one day harness the greatest power in the known universe. (besides the power of the Round House Kick)

So Ronnie began his trek one fateful day when he ran out of a Catholic Church in tears. He knew that the Priest was full of lies and that they were forcing him to worship a false god. He ran from the his mother into the sewers. He soon became lost in the dark catacombs. Through all of this Ronnie did not despair for he kept on wandering through the sewers knowing that his destiny was at hand. Ronnie tripped and fell into an abyss. He fell into a hell hole which deposited him at the base of Satan's Throne.

Satan looked upon the young lad with disgust. She could see that he carried with him the mark of Norris. She knew that ought right killing the boy was out of the question for the Immortal God Emperor would destroy her if she touched one of his chosen. So she decided to try to trick him into condemning his soul to hell.

Ronnie saw through her rouse for he was chosen. Ronnie however did want to free King Leonidas who was stuck in hell because he had gone their to dine and was not given his check so that he could pay and return to Crom in Valhalla. So Ronnie challenged Satan to a Rock Off in which if Ronnie wins he would
1. Free Leonidas from hell, and Leonidas would be able to eat in hell for free.
2. Ronnie would learn the dark powers of hell.
3. Ronnie would be allowed to keep duel citizenship on Earth and Hell.

If Ronnie lost than his soul would be Satan's forever.

Satan agreed to this challenge believing that a boy who had never played a note in his life could not possibly defeat her at a rock off. Thus the Satan played an Epic ballad. The likes that can not be heard by mortal ears less they be pulverized by the power.

Ronnie for a moment thought that he was in over his head, then he did something he had never done before. He prayed to Crom for Valor. After Ronnie completed his sacred pact with Crom he turned to Satan and picked up a holy guitar which had materialized at his feet. It was made of Carbonite, and shaped like a battle ax. Little Ronnie picked up the guitar and played the first thing that came to his mind.

It was so Epic that words do not do this song justice. Lightning started firing forth from the mighty battle guitar. Many of Satan's many fold minions were vaporized. Satan knew that she was surly beat. She tried to shroud Ronnie in darkness in the hopes that he would miss a note. Darkness fell over Ronnie. But instead of inhibiting his playing he actually shot forth a Rainbow. The Rainbow not only illuminated Ronnie's playing but it also burned a hole through hell and gave Ronnie a way home

Satan submitted to Ronnie's demands. Leonidas could eat for free, Ronnie was given duel Citizenship to hell, and he was given the power of METAL. Ronnie James Dio is the holder of the Metal and thus has gained inhuman powers. He now goes out into the world encouraging children to rock, and he also defends women from pedophiles.
Dio gets to choose who lives and who dies.

Thus is the origins of Dios half century rain over Metal. Be thankful that Dio trekked to hell for we would not know of its evil powers without him. In honor of the rainbow which he shot from his loin he sings about them and even named a band after rainbows.

Death Hunt Movie Review

First of all I want to apologies for my tardiness with my blog. It's because I have gained an infection in my prostate. No one knows how I got it, but it burned like a mother fucker and I was unable to concentrate on awesome. Needless to say I had to bring my massive cock into the ER where they gave me antibiotics. Only now am I able to put my energies towards you my reader and not my massive slab of man meat.

Man Hunt is an epic tale of a man who loves to kill everything he sees, and a man who has to track down the greatest killer of his time. Man Hunt stars Charles Bronson as the manly bushmen, and Lee Marvin as a sergent in the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. To round off this testosterone packed cast we have Carl Weathers as the token black Mountie.

The film starts out with a dog fight. Now shit like that would never happen today because that is crulty to animals. Remember today we can make a film where millions of people die but by Crom the dog has to make it (Independence Day and Dante's Peak) The dogs are fighting because a bunch of hill billies and hicks are having them fight. Bronson hates the idea of a good war dog dyeing needlessly so he forces one of the hill billies to sell him the dog that was loosing at gun point. After paying for the dog he wanders off into the wild where he can heal the dog with the powers of his mustache. The dog becomes healthy again and Bronson is pleased with the state of the world.

The hill billy hicks run to Lee Marvin who is the head Mountie in the area (the movie takes place in the Yukon) He has to many awesome things to do like make stew with his best friend Carl Weathers. They also got a rookie in fresh from Toronto so they want to haze him and make fun of his baby faced ways.

Baby Faced Mountie doesn't know how to make a proper stew

The hill billy hicks having no luck with Marvin decide to take matters into their own hands. They go over to Bronson's pad where they act like a bunch of candy asses who need help from the harsh cold of the Yukon. Bronson sees through the charade and tells them to fuck off. They then try to shoot him but he is way to fast and the dog who is now healthy takes a bullet for him after ripping out the throat of one of the goons.

the hicks return to town interrupting Marvin after he was boning a woman who we find out has been widowed only days before. Marvin is irritated and figures that he can talk to Bronson about manly things like growing mustaches, and making stew with Carl Weathers. So Marvin, Weathers, and the rookie Mountie round up a posse and go talk to Bronson. While Marvin and Bronson are exchanging ideas about how to best kill a man with paper machete, a hill billy decides to take a pot shot at Bronson. BIG ASSED FUCKING MISTAKE. Bronson shot the dude in the face and then shut the door on Marvin. Marvin and his posse proceed to shoot at Bronson's cabin to no avail. Bronson wastes a couple more guys before Marvin decides to call off the attack.

All animals are known to help Charles Bronson when he is in need, not alot of people know that.

Night falls and Marvin decides to blow up Bronson with at least one hundred pounds of TNT. The Mounties and the posse are successful in blowing up Bronson's cabin but not Bronson himself. The posse looks at the wreckage of the once proud cabin thinking that they could kill Bronson. They were wrong. He jumps out of the rubble hefting two shotguns and proceds to kill several posse members and to take out the radio.

Marvin knows he has been out manuvered and orders his men to retreat back to town. Bronson gathers what supplies he has left and runs into the wilderness where he knows how to kill the best. Marvin runs into this pilot from the Royal Canadian Air Force. The pilot some how knows all about Bronson and that he was ex US Special Forces from WWI (the movie takes place in the 1930s, and its weird as we didn't have any form of special operations until WWII)

The Pilot is a real dick and tells Marvin that he and the posse can go looking for Bronson but only he will get Bronson because he has an air plane. We'll the Mounties continue the search across the Yukon and Carl Weathers tells Marvin and the rookie that they are being hunted by something not of this world. The next day the Pilot dude tries to shoot Bronson on the ground but instead kills Carl Weathers. He then is brought down by Marvin and his awesome shooting that he could have only learned from the USMC.

The Pilot survives the crash and thinks he is to cool for school. But Bronson who was waiting for him tells him that he is not to cool for school, and then pumps him full of lead. meanwhile Marvin mourns for the loss of his best friend Carl Weathers and longs for the day when he can enter Valhalla and eat Carl Weathers delicious stew.
Lee Marvin says Fuck The Royal Canadian Mounted Police!!!

Marvin decides to set up an ambush for Bronson and when he sees a guy who roughly fits Bronson's profile he shoots the guy in the face. Of course no one can know for sure if it truly was Bronson because the body has no face. Of course it was actually the head hill billy who was dressed up like Bronson for no reason. Bronson and Marvin share knowing looks from across the mountain and it ends with Bronson walking into Alaska, a new land for him to conquer and new peoples to kill. After all there is a reason for the Eskimo population being so small, its because of all the killing Bronson did.

This movie was tight shit. My only complaint is that Carl Weathers had to die, and that he did not come over to my house and make me stew. I give this movie Thirty Eight Round House Kicks to the Face.