Rambo Epic Movie Review!!!

OH YEAH! Thats right we have a very special movie review for you today. For it is about one of the Emperors finest Marines. It is about Sgt John Rambo and how he went out killing one more epic time.

If any of you are familiar with any of the other Rambo movies than you would know that the First movie Rambo did it for himself. In First Blood Part II Rambo he did it for his country, and for the third movie Rambo did it for his friend. Well in Rambo John is doing it because he got bored. So lets kick this epic movie review off shan't we?

Rambo starts out with images of war torn Burma and shit does not look cool. We watch these Burmese soldiers drive up to a rice paddy and unload a bunch of people. They threaten them with AK 47s and throw some land mines into the field. The soldiers then make the people run through the field and after one of them steps on a mine and blows up the soldiers shoot the rest of the people.

Look bitch I am not compensating with my massive rifle

We then cut to John who catches a Cobra with his bare hands. He then gets on his boat and for no reason other than he feels like killing, he goes and shoots a fish with his bow, which he then gives away to a monk probably because he figured why waste the food. So John sells the snake to a dude who wrestles snakes and is told that he needs to stop catching Cobras because they are to phallic and manly for the snake wrestler dude. Then these pussy Christians come up to Rambo while hes feeding his snakes. The head Christian dude comes up to John and asks if he will take them to Burma. John tells him that he doesn't want to go to Burma because its a war zone and the Christian tells him "No its genocide waaahhh" John tells him that he should keep his face out of other peoples business and the Christian was about to run away and cry when Christian lady (who we shall call Christian Hottie for the rest of the review) comes up to John and begs him. He tells her to go home too. Fucking Christians don't know how to keep their noses out of other peoples genocides.

After the Christian Hottie begs John multiple times which I like to beleive means sexual favors off screen, John finally lets them on his boat. The Christian dude (who shall be known as Gods Vagina) acts all self righteous and bitches during the entire trip to Burma. Then the Christian Hottie decides to talk to John because we need some character development which fails miserably partially because John throws the thousand yard stare around so liberally. Night falls on our intrepid boat load of Christians. John suddenly cuts power to the boats engine and the Christian Vagina starts bitching more but Johns all like "Shut up you cockmuncher those assholes over their are river pirates" Rambo's boat coasts by the pirates and it looks like they are in the clear until the pirates boat starts up and speeds over to Rambo. John tells every one to shut up and don't look into the eyes of the pirates because that is a sure way of getting killed. He trys to pay off the pirates but they will only go if they can get the Christian Hottie as their sex slave. John tells them to fuck off and caps all of the pirates in about one second. The Christians are all appalled because John gets onto the pirate boat and caps a pirate with three extra rounds to the head. The Christian Vagina tells him that murder is never okay which John told him to go fuck himself and that they would have raped the girl and shot her if he hadn't murdered the pirates with extreme prejudice.

The next day John drops the Christians off in Burma but because the Christian Vagina wont shut up he tells John that he will be reporting John. Of course I'm not sure who he is reporting John to as Burma is lawless and killing pirates is legal under international law. Then the Christian Hottie gives John a cross because she thinks he might pray to her god instead of praying to Crom. He tells her one last time that he can take her back because she really shouldn't be in Burma. She says no and the Christians wander off to find a village in need of Christ or something.

John goes back to the pirate boat where he proceeds to destroy it and hide all of the evidence of how awesome of a killer he is. We then cut to the Christians who have found a village thats got a whole bunch of people who look really fucked up. We see one Christian teaching the bible because we all know god always helps those in third world countries. We then cut to a Christian who is being a dentist. Of course its hard to expect the Burmese people to brush twice a day when they don't even have running water. Asshole. And then we cut to the Christian Vagina and the Christian Hottie who are just giving people bandages. The worst part about this entire scenes is that we can see that the Christians aren't really helping at all. They could have just air lifted a box of bandages and got the same affect. Anyway the Christians have some light banter then all hell breaks loose.

Shit starts blowing up left and right and we see that the cause of all this death and destruction is caused by the Burmese Army which is shelling the village for shits and giggles as far as I can tell. We get lots of gratuitous shots of children being beaten, stabbed and shot. One Burmese soldier picks up a small boy throws him into a hut and then lights it on fire with a flame thrower. Other villagers are gunned down by Assault Rifles and Machine Guns. whole piles of bodies start to build up. When the shooting is over all who remain are the Burmese soldiers and the Christian Hottie, Christian Vagina, and two other Christians. Why they weren't shot with the rest of the people I will never know, after all the killing was rather indiscriminating. The Christians are taken prisoner for some reason.

We cut back to John who is having what some people would consider to be a flash back but what I would consider a fond remembrance of all the killing he did in the name of the Emperor. He wakes up from his stupper to find a dude calling his name. We find out that the dude is the preacher of all those stupid Christians. He tells John that the Christians were supposed to come home ten days ago and that he wanted John to take a group of Mercs up river to find them. John tells the preacher that they are most likly dead and that hes a fucking putz sending his people to Burma. He agrees to help the preacher man find them though because he probably wants to fuck the Christian Hottie and he has to be sure if shes dead. John then decides that he needs to forge himself a new knife and so he labors under the task of forging such a knife that if he was to encounter god on his journey then god would be cut.

We then get to see the Burmese Army camp which sucks balls. They keep women in cages, right next to some pigs. And they all act like a bunch of assholes for no reason. The Burmese decide to feed one of the Christians to the pigs because its cool.

Back to Rambo and he has a group of Mercs on his boat. We have a sassy former SAS operative who bitches alot. Then we have a Korean American who is pretty cool. A Mexican American who admits his sister is a retarded whore. There is also a red neck who sings shitty songs. Last but not least we have School Boy who is an ex British sniper. He's the nicest of the Mercs. The SAS dude bitches at Rambo for like 15 minutes and we secretly hope he dies first.

They come upon the point at which John had dropped the Christians off and more banter occurs. When the British dude sees that John is going to join them in the epic quest to rescue the Christians he says NO!!! He wants John to stay with the boat because he is the boat man. So the Mercs leave John and travel with some Burmese gurillas to find the village where all the shit went down. The Mercs find the village and there are bodies all over the place. It smells really bad too. Then an army truck pulls up to a rice paddy. The Mercs keep low and watch as the Burmese soldiers play the game where they make people run through a mine field. Well the villagers run through the field without blowing up and the Soldiers are really pissed. One soldier is about to shoot the villagers when an arrow flys right through his chest. We then see Rambo shoot the other soldier in quick succession. He gets one with a real cool head shot. The last soldier falls into the rice paddy and lands on a mine blowing up. Thus earning himself a corpse kill.

SNACK ATTACK MOTHER FUCKER!!!

The Mercs all get boners from watching John kill in such an awesome way. John tells them that hes getting his Christians back and that they are helping him. Some of the Mercs don't want to help him but he persuades them with his mighty bow. They then decide that the best way to rescue the prisoners is to move in by way of the Burmese Army truck and to then rescue as many prisoners as possible and meet up in 15 minutes. School Boy will stay at the entrance and pick off any sentries since he is a sniper. So the plan starts off without a hitch School boy knifes a dude in a guard tower and gets into position. The truck drives through the camp unloading Mercs all over the place. We get lots of gratuitous shots of Mercs saving people. John finds the Christians only to discover that one is half eaten by the pigs. He tells them to shut up and wait for another Merc to rescue them because he has to find the Christian Hottie. He finds her but before rescuing her she is taken by a Burmese officer who wants to get some sex on tonight and unlike the Burmese Colonel who is gay for little boys (this is true we see him take a boy into his room so he can rape the boy) So the Officer is going to rape the girl until BAM Rambo steps up from behind him and tears out his throat. He then grabs the girl and they run to the rally point. Unfortunately all of the Mercs and other prisoners are all long gone because Rambo took his time getting the girl back.

Ripped right from Daltons play book

Rambo is like ohh fuck and two sentries come running up to him ready to kill him. But then they both go flying backwards with huge holes where their chests used to be. School Boy stayed behind and we realize that he has a .50 cal sniper rifle. So John, Christian Hottie, and School Boy run off into the jungle.

The next day Burmese, soldiers find that all of the prisoners are gone. They get their tracking dogs and go off in search of the prisoners. We then see the Mercs who are high tailing it to Johns boat. But then the bitchy former SAS dude steps on a mine and shreds his leg. So now the Mercs have to carry him out. If this wasn't bad enough the Burmese gurilla ran off with all the girls he rescued, most likely to get some fucking done. Then we cut to John and his group who hear the sounds of dogs barking. John then rips off some of Christian Hotties shirt and ties it to his leg. He tells School Boy to "GIT BACK TO ZE CHOPPER" and then runs off in the opposite direction in hopes that the dogs will track him instead.

John runs around the jungle for at least one hundred minutes until he finds an old British bomb that was dropped in WWII but never exploded he then set up a claymore next to the bomb and ran like hell. A platoon of Burmese soldiers with dogs find the bomb. The dogs keep on barking at the bomb because John had left the sent at the bomb. A dumb shit officer picks up the scent only to realize that IT'S A TRAP! The bomb explodes in a huge assed explosion. Every one sees the explosion from miles and miles away. Then School Boy and Christian Hottie find the boat only to see a battalion of men are already there and have the Mercs captured. The Gay Burmese Colonel starts beating the prisoners. Christian Hottie wants School Boy to save them but hes like "look bitch do I look like John Rambo" at that very moment when the Burmese are about to shoot the prisoners, Rambo decides that its time to create his most epic masterpiece to date. You see John Rambo is an artist, but his medium is war. And this is will be his finest work to date.

John creeps up to a dude who is maning a .50 on the back of a jeep that happens to have a commanding view of the soon to be battlefield. He takes out his knife and cuts the gunners head clean off. He then grabs the .50 and blows the driver up with a rain of lead. All of the Burmese soldiers turn to engage him but are too late as he cuts down every one of the execution squad. Now with the Mercs relativly safe John proceeds to decimate the Burmese battalion. (Now decimate is to light of a word as that implies that only one in ten of the soldiers is killed, a stronger word would be...Killing)

FUCK YOU!!! (John is on that gun for the rest of the movie)

We get a shot of the lower half of the driver that he just blew up falling out of the jeep. Then we see a .50 round rip through two Burmese soldier and that was from School Boy who decided that it was time to join the party. The other Mercs get into the fray as well and start fucking up scores of Burmese. If this wasn't enough then we get a whole hell of a lot of Gurillas who show up with mortars and shoot up even more Burmese. But the Mercs start to take hits and it looks bad as slowly they get wounded one at a time. And the Burmese soldiers start blowing the shit out of the gurillas. If this wasn't enough a Burmese patrol boat shows up and starts shooting at Rambo. Rambo fires back but is hit in the shoulder. But pain don't hurt and Rambo don't have time to bleed and gets back on his .50 and kills every soldier in this army truck that comes driving up. He then turns back to the patrol boat and shoots it to hell, School Boy gets the .50 gunner in the head and the head goes flying off.

The Christian Vagina is acting like a pussy until he sees the last of his Christian friends get caped in the back and then he sees the SAS dude get hit. He goes into a blood rage and crushes a Burmese soldiers skull with a rock. When all is said and done the field is covered in hundreds and hundreds of bodies. But it appears that the Burmese Gay Colonel has survived and is about to run away, BUT OH NO MOTHA FUCKA LOOKS LIKE RAMBO WAS WAITING FOR YOU! Rambo sticks the Gay Colonel in belly and guts him on the spot. His guts fall onto the ground in front of him.

Then the aftermath of the battle is apparent Christian Hottie is obsessed with finding Christian Vagina. We see all of the Mercs lined up in a row getting medical aide in one way or another. Unfortunately Christian Vagina survived and it looks like the Hottie has forgot all about John. (FUCKING BITCH, JOHN KILLS AN ENTIRE BATTALION OF MEN AND SHE DOESN'T EVEN GIVE HIM A BLOW JOB)

We then have a shot of John back in the states walking down a road very reminicent of what he was doing in First Blood. He walks up to a mail box that says Rambo and then we understand that he is finally going home. He is tired and needs to refit and reload so that he may go on yet another epic crusade in the name of the Emperor. THE END the movie is done.

Rambo was so fucking awesome. The shear number of kills was off the charts. I had a kill boner for days after the film. I highly recommend for anyone who has a pair of testicals and for anyone who wants to grow some.

A Sad And True Story

This is a true story. This is evidance that there is no Christian god because if the Christian god did exist than he is just a fucking cock with a sick sense of humor.

So a fellow whom lived in Briton was adopted as a young boy. (the details of his youth are unknown so I will speculate) His adoptive parents only adopted him so that they could get a tax credit and because they had a cult and needed believers. They beat him and his fourteen other siblings. The fifteen children were only fed once a day and it was usually Sheppard's pie at that. The boy was often beaten by his father because his father was an alcoholic coal miner and would teach the boy a lesson from time to time about how no one loved him. The boy dealt with this for years until he was 18 when against all odds he was accepted into Uni.

However the young man was forced to join a fraternity. The frat had just caused a mess with a toga party and one of the frat members sleeping with the towns mayors daughter and the deans wife being slept with as well. This caused the entire fraternity to be expelled from the Uni.

The boy had to make his way in the world so he was hired at a KFC in London where he met this girl. Now this girl was very much like him (this is where speculation about his life ends and absolute fact begins) This girl was beautiful had a sense of humor like his and even liked the same music and movies. She understood how he felt unwanted as she too was an adoptive child who lived a somewhat less crappy childhood than the young man. It was a match made in Valhalla.

They had massive amounts of sex. They had sex everywhere in their apartment. The young man was happy for the first time of his life. He asked the girl to marry him and she accepted. It looked like things were looking up for the young man. He married the girl in a quaint little church with a small group of friends as witnesses. Much sex occurred during the honey moon in the south of France.

The two newly weds wanted to have children. So they went to the geneticst who would tell them if the future children would have any massive birth defects.

(this is the actual conversation with the Dr after the tests came through)

Dr: Mr and Mrs _______ Would you please sit down.
Young Man: Sure thing Dr
Dr: I have grave news for you two. The DNA results are in and it appears that you two are brother and sister.
Young Woman: BLIMY!!!
Young Man: FUCK!!!

You see the young man and woman were actually twins separated at birth. They had been fucking each other for a long time with out any idea that they were related. This kind of story really digs at the soul because you know that happiness is fleeting and next thing you know your fucking your own sister.

When ever I feel blue I just think of whats best in life

I weep because the truth of the matter is that if there is a Christian god he wants these two people to suffer. What a cock. That is why I pray to Crom. Because Crom doesn't tell me that he loves me and then sets me up to fail. No valor pleases Crom. The only way I can find happiness in the after life is to learn the riddle of steal. So that is why I cast the Christian god aside who does not value valor but only my suffering. Oddly enough I have never prayed to Crom before because unlike some gods he is angered by those who can't forge their way in the world without the aide of a deity.

New Year New Blog

Well I have my game of the year awards in the pipe but I feel that I must hold off on them until after my Xbox 360 retruns from MS due to service. Yes I have become a statistic and I have been very depressed the past few days as I usually do my killing on my 360. But since I still must right I figured that I should give you guys my hopes and predictions for the new year.

PREDICTIONS OF 2008

• Rambo will kill a fuckload of mother fuckers.

• The Dark Knight will be the greatest movie of the year.

• Archeology will become cool again. (Archeology happens to be what I go to school for)

• A president other than George W Bush will be elected.

• Delta Leader will turn 21 and will not drink.

• A natural disaster will occur in which I wont feel empathy about the victims.

• Britney Spears will die. ( I might pray to Crom for this one, however I have never prayed to him before)
• I will have more flashbacks to Mexico as Rainbow Six Vegas 2 will send me back to that Crom forsaken land.
• XP will no longer be produced and ass fuckers will be forced to upgrade to Vista.

• My massive erections will kill no fewer than over 9000 people.

There we have it. My predictions for the new year. Lets hope that 2008 is even more bloody than 2007. I dream of a Gears of War sequal to wet my pallet of death.