2006 Game of The Year Awards (So Its Late)

2006 was a turbulent year for gaming. Two new consouls came out and a new version of a hand held. Its taken me two whole months of careful testing but I have finally compiled a list of games that deserve 2006 Kicks in the Face Game of the Year Award.

FPS of 2006
Ghost Recon Advanced Warfighter-I'm still having flashbacks of Mexico City. This game was as beautiful as it was awesome. You get to fight Mexicans while fast roping out of Black Hawks. This game gets 8.5 out of 10 kicks in the face due to some bugs while playing online

RTS of 2006
Company of Heroes-Its not another WWII game. CoH is a fast paced RTS where you do battle with the Kraut horde and you take names. Play as Airborne, Infantry or Armour. The greatest WWII RTS experience ever. This game gets 10 out of 10 kicks in the face for being flawless.

RACING GAME of 2006
Pocket Bike Racer-This action packed racing game lets you control the monarch of fast food the King. The King is such a bad ass that he'll smile after landing on his face after jumping through a flaming ring. This game gets a healthy 8 out of 10 kicks to the face.

CONSOLE GAME of 2006
Gears of War- A game that lets you kill alien like life forms with a chainsaw at the end of a rifle? Thats right GoW is an epic blood bath waiting to happen. Marcus Fenix is the Luigi to the Master Chiefs Mario. GoW gets a well deserved 10 out of 10 kicks in the face for all the chainsaw action.

I Just Think Ur Afraid Of Teh Head Shot

HANDHELD of 2006
Tetris DS-Yes the only good thing to come out of the Soviet Empire. Tetris DS is the single most addictive handheld game ever. I lost many good hours of school playing that damned game on a calculator. That is why this game deserves 9 out of 10 kicks to the face.

Best Game That Should Have Been On The Wii of 2006
Doom- Xbox Live lets you down load Doom. Its a timeless classic where you a loan Space Marine must battle your way to hell killing Satan's many fold minions. This game is a must for any and all systems. I give Doom 10 out of 10 kicks to the face for being so awesome.

UNDEAD KILLER of 2006
Dead Rising- Any game that lets you loathe the undead as I do deserves a bare minimum of 7 kicks in the face. Combine that with an arsenal of every day objects that lets you loathe the undead in new ways, now thats a hit. Dead Rising gets a 8.5 out of 10 kicks to the face.

SPACE MARINE USE of 2006
Warhammer 40k Dawn of War: Dark Crusade-This expansion wasn't quiet up to the standards of its predacessors but thats mainly because of a cap on tanks and elite units and not on game play itself. In Dark Crusade you get to add even more killing to your Space Marine Legions epic history. Dark Crusade gets 7.5 out of 10 kicks in the face.

2006 GAME OF THE YEAR
Company of Heroes- This game really brought WWII back just like my Grandpa experienced it. He would be probably cry with joy seeing me fight the Krauts just like he did if it weren't for the fact that he was blinded by Kraut shrapnel. CoH brings top production values to the table. It was also the first game to be released that was specifically designed for Vista PCs and it shows it. You will not be disappointed.

Epic Tales Episode 1

Ash Wednesday, Lent, and Easter

If your like me than you have no idea what the hell Ash Wednesday is. I thought it was a stupid Catholic holiday. I was wrong. I learned of the true meaning of Ash Wednesday from an evil scroll of epic tales. I'll share these epic tales with you as time goes on.

Ash Wednesday started out like a regular day. This changed though when Joan of Arc decided to raid Chuck Norris's Fridge and ate all of the meat products in his fridge. Jesus the Christ was Chuck Norris's roommate at the time. Jesus said that it was not cool that Joan just ate all of Chucks Steaks. Being a bitch she told him that she ate Chucks steaks for the good of France which was in a war with Sparta.

Ironicly enough Chuck Norris was visiting his good friend Vin Diesel King of Sparta. Vin invited Chuck over for supper but Chuck declined because he had a phat juicy steak waiting in his fridge.

Jesus feared for the lives of all humanity. He quickly told the British (a neutral party in the French Spartan War) to burn Joan for being a heretic for her crimes against Chuck Norris. That is why we call it Ash Wednesday because of the ash that occurred from the burning. He then fabricated a lie that would cover up why the fridge was meat less.

When Norris came home ready to eat a phat steak he found his fridge empty of all manner of animal flesh. He was very angry and destroyed Atlantis. Jesus told him that the meat had been lent to the Spartan army so that France could be destroyed so much the sooner.

Lord Norris was fooled for exactly 40 days until Judas told him that Jesus had actually killed Joan of Arc for eating all of his meat and that he had lied about the loan to the Spartans. Chuck Norris was pleased that Joan was dead. But he was very angry that Jesus lied to him for so long. So Chuck gave Jesus a choice. Either Jesus could live with him on top Mt Norris for ever and watch as the evil alien overlord Xenu killed every human on earth. Or he could be crucified and Norris would continue to protect humanity.

Jesus gave his life to save all of us. You better thank Jesus because the only reason Xenu isn't in charge is because of his self sacrifice. Catholics eat fish during lent to honor the sacrifice Chuck Norris went through during those dark days. I for one want to honor those Spartans who died during the war and thus eat many kilos worth of meat in their honor. Chuck Norris created Islam just so he could fight them in the crusades. The French created the croissant to remind them of the mighty crescent punch the Spartans gave them during the war.

Thats the real story of Ash Wednesday, Lent, and Easter.

Mohamed is Arabic for Chuck Norris

How to act like a BAMF even if your not

Some times its hard being a BAMF. Some times you can't reach the next level of BAMFness. Thats okay because you can always lie to people and pretend to be a BAMF. Lying is only bad if you get caught so just make sure that you cockslap anyone who calls you on it. Thus you'll be more manly in the end due to your massive bitch slapping of that goodie goodie.

BAMF LESSON #1
When you meet some one new always act as if you want to do bodily harm to them. This lets them know that your the pimp and you have just decided to make them your Bitch.
Example: Scott is introducing you to his friend Phil.
Scott: I want you to meet my friend Phil.
You: Your not Phil... I watched him die.

This lets every one know that you kill people and puts every one on edge. People feeling uncomfortable around you is extreamly manly and is desired if you want to be BAMF

BAMF LESSON #2
When asked if you did time in the service make a vague refrence to the battles you have faught and how people who haven't done time in the military are a bunch of candy asses.
Example: An old timer asks you if you plan on joining the military and go over to Iraq.
Oldtimer: When I was your age I was going hand to hand with the Japs
You: Japs you say, Those guys were candy asses compared to the Mexicans... We lost a lot of good men in Mexico City. God damn kids these days don't even learn how to kill, isn't that right old timer?

You get points for belittling what the real Vet has done while at the same time making them think your war weary. Make sure you throw the Thousand yard stare around liberally. This technique works well with women as well.


Tell them that you killed Mech Hitler

BAMF LESSON #3
When shaking another persons hand make sure your grip is always tighter than theirs. Its a good way of letting them know that your the man and that they are just limp risted pansies.
Example: You have just gone into your job review and have recieved a $4 an hour raise.
Boss: Keep up the good work.
You: I'll give it my all (Your hand should be on his in a vice like grip, remember to keep your eyes locked on his and that you do not show any sign of strain as you squeeze his bones to the breaking point)
Boss: AHHHHHH(your bosses hand should be a shattered lump as you have crushed it in your python like grip)

You have just proved that your the man even to a guy who can be considered the man. It will also teach your boss to give you better raises.

BAMF LESSON#4
Change your diet to a more manly one. Nothing says manly more than hot sauce. So drink it like you would drink water. You should eat meat, lots and lots of meat. Preferably raw meat as it shows that you laugh in the face of food poisoning.
Example: You go out to your favorite eatery and ordering a steak.
Waitress: So what would you like?
You: I will have your largest steak covered in insanity sauce and a tall glass of Tabasco.
Waitress: how would you like your steak cooked?
You: Did I stutter bitch? I never mentioned cooking of my steak, I want it as raw as the dog I ran over and ate while I was on my way to this fine eating establishment.

You'll apear manly because you mentioned how you were able to hunt down a helpless animal and killed it with your massive automobile and then ate it. People will beleive your one with nature because you left no waste of the dog.

BAMF LESSON #5
When faced with a moron it is very acceptable to curb stomp them
Example: Your enjoying a discussion about computers with your friends over a meal of hot wings.
Mitch: I kind of like Mac OS
You: Microsoft is the best because we all know Bill Gates is in league with the Prince of Darkness.
Shane: Guys I don't play video games any more.
You: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT
Scott: We weren't even talking about video games you ass hat.
Mitch: This was the last straw Shane its time for us to curb stomp your dumb ass.

Wearing boots is desired as you want to leave a maximum amount of damage to the moron. Hopefully if Pavlov is right the moron will learn not to speak at all and you'll be free of idiocy.

These are just a few techniques you can use to make yourself a bigger bad ass. Its encouraged to find other ways to make yourself more manly, the skies the limit to what you can do. Good luck on your epic quest to being a BAMF

Adam Baldwin BAMF
An inspiration to what we can archive in BAMFness

McBain Review

Fear the Walken

When oppressive governments kill civilians who do you call? McBain! Who do you call when evil corporations are running amok in your country? McBain! Who do you call when you need every motha fucking person dead? McBain!

McBain! is the most pimp movie of all time. It stars Christipher Walken as McBain! and he means business. It starts out at the end of the Vietnam War where a group of Rangers stumble onto a POW camp. They free the only prisoner. Its none other than McBain! McBain! tells the Rangers that if they are ever killed and there family members want revenge then he'll be the guy to do it.

McBain! gets a call from one of the Ranges sisters. Apparently the Ex Ranger decided he didn't like the Columbian government and attempted a coup. It failed and he was executed for his crimes. The Columbian President thought his position was safe. He didn't count on McBain!

McBain gives a call to all of his Ranger friends. He tells them that a whole country full of wankers is ripe for conquest. But first they need money to start the epic crusade to Columbia. So they go and kill drug dealers and take all of the dope so that they can sell it to school children. After cornering the drug trafficking market its time for our epic band of Rangers and McBain! to leave. They fly to Columbia in a beat up old plane. A jet comes by and helps shoot down half of the Columbian Air Force. McBain! personally sticks his head out of his plane and head shots a pilot with his M9.

They land and Micheal Ironside shoots down several jets with his massive penis. McBain! then goes and pretends to help a dieing child. But actually he stole her soul to power himself. (McBain! runs off of souls not food) He fooled the local Columbian populas to allow him to declare himself emperor if he over throws the Government for them.

McBain! then decides to head to the capital. By this point in the film he has personally killed at least a hundred people, and his Ranger friends have killed over 9000 others. McBain! goes on a rampage all through the capital. They decide that they need to use a huge truck to break through the capital compound. McBain! forces one of his friends to drive it through the front gate. This plan seems simple enough except McBain! forces the man to drive the entire time and thus he is killed in a massive explosion. McBain! then goes and procedes to kill the entire Columbian army on his way to assasinate the President.

When the President is murdered by McBain! every one rejoices and then bows down to McBain!
Micheal Ironside is very happy because he gets to be coEmperor of Columbia.

This film is a monument the American spirit. It will forever be known as the bloodiest movie of the 1990s. I would give this film a rating of at least a hundred kicks in the face but that would anger Christopher Walken. So I have to give this movie a rating of over 9000 Kicks in the face.






McBain! is gonna kill ur ass.

A Manly Tribute- Orsen Wells

When I think of "The Man" I think of Orson Wells. Some of you are probably thinking to yourselves, who's Orson Wells? Orson "FUCK YOU MARS" Wells is one of the greatest narrators in the history of the world. His voice was known to topple mountains and to sink entire civilizations.

Orson Wells stared in films like Citizen Kane and The Third Man. He also narrated countless films. But what launched this manliest of mens carriers was when he was working as a CBS radio personality. Orson dramatized the War of the Worlds on the air. Millions of people panicked and acted like general pussies because they thought the Martians were already at war with Earth. Some of them even killed themselves because they knew that the were not hard and would die by the millions to the Martian death rays. Wells then had to apologies the the nation for making his Dramatization so realistic. But instead he apologiesed for not having more people die, and that he only wished that he could have added that Mini Space Marines were the real reason that the Martians died and not bacteria.

Wells Knew early on that Xenos were bad news

Later on in Orson Wells life he took over an Eastern European nation with the use of his powerful voice and his massive penis. He declared himself king and ruled for a thousand years just because he felt like it.

There you have it. A tribute to a manly man.

"Fuck Teh Police" says Orson Wells