Space Marines

It is said that it is better to live for yourself than to die for the Imortal Emperor.

Fuck that

It is better to die for the Emperor than to live for ones self.

I mean what else are you going to do when your an 11 foot tall uber human with lighting fast reflexes, 2 hearts, and can survive in almost anytype of battlefeild with minimal life support equipment. What can you do when your created to serve the Imortal Emperor? Serve him thats what.
The Emperor don't like no jibba jabba

Space Marines are humanities answer to all the fucking xenos in the universe. I mean come on what do humans have over orks. They breed faster than us, have better stamina, and are far stronger for their size. The only thing we have over those bastards is our brains. And even having better weapons and training doesnt always win wars. Thats why the Imortal emperor created the Space Marines. He was like "fuck you xenos, and fuck you chaotic creaters from the
warp." The Emperor has been around since the dawn of humanity at around the 8th Millenium BC. He has the survival of the human race as his only concern. Thats why he decided to create the most bad assed collection of warriors the universe has ever seen.

Space Marines have to be bad assed. They fight in all kinds of battle feilds. They fight the most horrible xeno scum. They also have the best job in the universe. Who else is given the best war gear ever, they are given a drop pod and told to kill. Hell you wouldn't even have to pay me to do that. Space Marines all share genetic seeds created by the Emperor himself. Its like being a grand son to the father of humanity.

Space Marines also get the most bad assed war gear ever. They have bitchen powered armour that gives them uber strength and lets them fight in all types of battle feilds even the cold vacum of space. They get flamers, plasma guns, rocket launchers to name a few of their small arms. They carry around chainsaws for close encounters of the 3rd kind, and get to drive around in Land Raiders one of the most bad assed APCs ever created.

Space Marines also would make any mother proud as they love to go to church. Space Marines infact brought back the Kill in Killing for god, if the god is of course the Imortal Emperor of Mankind. They are all members of a church chapter. They love to go to church because going to church means they can spend more time praying to the Emperor. The Emperor loves his Marines so much he even gives out cookies during church survices.

Orks don't get cookies they get bullets, bullets in there heads becuase they are stupid xeno scum.

Of course back in the olden days some Space Marines were bad, very bad and went to the warp and became corupted by the chaotic gods. Space Marines hate Chaose Marines more than anything else, even more than xenos becuase Chaos don't go to church. Chaos think its funny to burn down churches. Thats why Space Marines always kill Chaos.

Space Marines are the most bad assed groups of humans ever. They kill for the Imortal Emperor of Mankind because they love him so much he loves all of humanity. Remember if your alive its because he loves you, and if he didn't love you you would get your ass crushed by a giant Space Marine.
Take that xeno scum. My intergalactic possy is going to stomp yo ass.

My Hero

Today I met my hero Maddox. He is the author of the New York Times Best Seller The Alphabet of Manliness. It was a full Kick in the face.

Scott and I were able to sit in the front row to listen to the Dark Lord Maddox give us his humble words from his humble tome. Scott asked Lord Maddox what was the theme song to the apocalypse, which Maddox replied "anything by the Eagles."
The Dark Lord Maddox was pleased with how manly my name is.

We were able to have Lord Maddox sign our copies of The Alphabet of Manliness. As he signed our books he told me that he too loathed the undead and that he infact "hated the fuckers". Maddox was concerned that it took us as long as it did to get to the front of the line as he remembered how much we pwned because we were sitting in the front row. He was extreamly pleased that we were not pussies like every one else before us. He even told me that my name was one of the most manly names ever, along with Phil and George.

We were also able to have John Peterson one of the artists of the book to sign as well. He drove from Iowa just to join Maddox on his dark tour of enlightenment. He drew some of the most awsome pictures in the book. Pictures of Pirates and Irate Beef Jerk.

Maddox Pwned big time and it was a grand day to pwn.
That is one irate Beef Jerky

They Live Movie Review

Spoiler warning

They Live is a full on kick in the face as films go. They Live is directed by John Carpenter probably the 2nd greatest horror director of all time. (John Romero is #1) It stars Rowdy Roddy Piper as our lovable protagonist Nada. Your all American working man. It also stars Keith David as Frank. Keith David is known for his role as the Arbiter from Halo 2, and the Narrator for the Navy recruitment comercials.

The film starts out whit Nada walking through LA. He sees a whole bunch of pussy yuppies. Them yuppies are all homo and this angers Nada the all American working man. He goes to find somthing manly to do like pour concrete. This is exactly what he does. Whilie being very manly and very BA he meets Frank. He learns that Frank is also very manly. We also meet some other people who are less manly talking about how the yuppie pussies are messing everything up for the rest of us.

Later we find out that the crazy people were right. The yuppies send in an evil force of police to arrest the crazy people. In the confusion Nada gets a box full of sunglasses. Nada puts the sungalsses on and finds out that they let him see through the smog of shit the yuppies have created. every sign or advertisment has a hidden message that tells us to breed and obey. Nada says "Fuck This Shit" For it is very un American. He also finds that the yuppies are actually Aliens in disguise. This really pisses him off to no end. So he does the only resonable thing any red blooded American would do. He gets rowdy, and kicks some motha fuckin alien ass.
A box full of sunglasses...Jackpot

Nada goes and kills every alien he finds. Its so rowdy that he decides that he needs a set of wheels and he has some random bitch drive him to her pad, probably to be very manly and very rowdy with her. But she is a bitch and hits him over the head with a bottle, throws him out of a glass window, he falls 20 feet, then rolls down another 40 feet down a hill. Thats right he is hit on the head thrown out a window and falls/rolls down a huge assed hill. Now this just pisses Nada off mind you.

"I'm here to kick ass and chew bubble gum and I'm all out of
bubble gum"

Nada knows that allthough he can kill millions of alien yuppies he still might need some help. So he finds Frank. He tells Frank to put on the sunglasses. Frank is like no way man I'm to American to conform to you. So he and Nada have the most badassed fight scene ever. They fought just because it was the only proper American thing to do. After the fight Frank decidesto to put on the glasses. He is like "their are motha fuckin aliens on my motha fuckin planet."
Fighting is the most manly sport known to man

Nada and Frank decide to go and kill. So they get supplies from these pussy resistence fighters who are attacked by the yuppy aliens. Nada and Frank kill wave after wave of those fuckers. They then decide to storm the yuppie compond. We find out that the yuppies want to enslave mankind. This is the final straw. Frank and Nada go on a massive killing spree ensuring that no Alien ever walks away. They find the evil transmiter that allows the yuppies to stay in disguise as regular people. A big boss battle ensuses and Nada blows the transmitter. He takes a nap shortly after because he is content with how rowdy things got. All the yuppies were like whats wrong and all the Americans were like fuck you alien yuppies and killed them all.

They Live is a master peice of epic perportions. I give this movie 5 kicks in the face.

America Fuck Yeah

It has been five years since the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001. I remember that day five years later as if it was yesterday. It was one of those life changeing events not just for me but for every one else in America. It was the day that we all learned that America is far from loved by the rest of the world. In fact most people in the world hate us. They hate us for our clean air, indoor plumbing, vast quantities of food, our freedom of media, freedom of expression, freedoms for women, and of course the freedom to stomp the shit out of any evil motherfucker.

So to kick off this aniversery of that horrible day, I would like to say thank you Ameirca. Without you I would be living in the asshole of the world. I also want to thank those who serve in our armed forces. You make it so I can live my life as a red blooded american.

Natures greatest warriors.

Ants, thats right ants are natures greatest warriors.

I was sitting in class and we had to draw an ant (It was an exercise to prove people dont observe) I drew the most bad assed ant ever. It really looked like a fire ant. Then I saw everyone elses drawings. My class mates thought ants have ten legs, wings, gumdrop smiles. I can't beleive none of these 20 year olds know anything about Natures most awsome fighter. Without further ado my tribute to the ant

Ants are totaly awsome. They are the most perfect imperialist animal ever. They conquer as much ground as possible. The create new colonies with queens of their own. And the will destroy any group of ants that don't swear aligence to the queen. They serve the queen like Space Marines serve the Emperor. I would go as far to say that Space Marines were bred to be like warrior ants. Ants never question orders. Ants attack other ant colonies because they do not serve the queen of a particuler hive.



Space Marines, Mans vesion of the warrior ant

Ants fight all the time. They love fighting. They love to fight in massive battles that make the Lord of the Rings look like a puss. Some species of ants will actually explode after they are mortaly wounded. Thats right ants will even blow themselves up spreding poison within the blast radious. Ants also have a specific cast of warriors. They are three times larger then regular worker ants. Worker ants also fight gloriously in the name of the queen. They have to because they are alot like the Imperial guard. You have to have cannon fodder unit after all.

Queen ants are the most awsome of all ants. If you have ever seen Aliens then you know exactly what I'm talking about. Queen ants are just like queen aliens but only smaller. Queen ants have to be total bad asses. They have sex and lay eggs all day. Thats pretty impresive since a queen ant can lay thousands of eggs a day. Queen ants are mean as hell too. They are so crazed with hormons that the only thing that pleases them is the domination of other hives and even species.












You would want to kill every thing to if you had to give birth a thousand times a day


In conclusion ants are natures greatest bad asses.

Gojira Review

I finally saw Gojira. It is the original Japanes version of Godzilla King of the Monsters.

First of all Godzilla pwns up Japan. That in it self pwns up big time. It was like watching a one sided fight between a Cylon Centorian and a baby.Gojira has a total disregard for the electric company and other public utilites

So Gojira starts out with a small freighter that catches fire and sinks. All of the Japanes people are like holy shit what happened. And then Gojira rips the small island of Oda to hell. Gojira then decided to go and fuck up Tokyo. Tokyo is so seriously fucked that every one in Japan is like "ohh no we is going to die." We then find out about Dr Serizawa a mad scientist. He sat in his evil lab for the entire movie looking mad. We find out that he created a weapon known as the Oxygen Destroyer. He act like a pussy because he hasnt perfected it and he doesnt want it to fall in the wrong hands. But he realises that Gojira made many children cry and after seeing a tv broadcast of many crying children decideds to kill Gojira. He goes down in the ocean and sets off the weapon. Gojira is so manly that he fakes his death by dissolving his skin. We sit back and contemplate the evils of atomic weapons. Funny because we dont even see one god damn nuke in the entire film. Of course it doesn't matter because Godzilla is immune to everything but Chuck Norris.










Gojira says don't use public transit

Gojira is a pimptastic film. Because it proves that Godzilla can dissolve his own skin just for fun. I give this film 2 huge round house kicks to the face.

Freshmen

If your a freshmen then just don't even try. I know its hard being off away from mommy and daddy. But don't pretend your hot shit. Remember you have a 75% chance of droping out.

Anyone can get into college. But getting into college isnt actually the same as going to class day in and day out for four, five, even six years. Until you prove that you are actually serious about getting a universtity grade education.

The problem with your average freshmen is that they have it in their head that college is about living it up and partying. Funny all the people I knew from high school who did that shit in our first year are not coming back.

College is about growing up. And people who only play and "have fun" are proving that they can't handle the responsibility of their future. Do us a favor and don't go to college if you don't think you can handle it. It costs the tax payer to send your ass to school and I prefer to have my tax money spent on Tanks and Aircraft Carriers and not on stupid assed frat boys and sorority girls.




I'm a college student and I know how to use the potty.

Crocodile Hunter

Today Steve Irwin the Crocodile Hunter died.

Its amazing how fast people jumped on the save the planet band wagon after his death. Discovery Channel is already changing the name of its out door garden in honor of Steve. He only died a few hours ago and they already turn him into a saint.

Only a year ago or so I remember a lets go shit on Steve fest after he almost fed his son Bob to a croc. Why is he all of a sudden a hero? Is it because he was killed by an animal? (He was stung through the heart by a sting ray)










Chicken was the main course and baby Bob was dessert

I mean honestly we all knew he was going to buy it one of these days. I had money that it was going to be a snake. But alas the lowly sting ray was the one that fraged poor Steve O.

I'm sure he has done alot for the animal community, but come on he was a dumb shit. He fucking played with wild animals for a living it was bound to happen. And another thing getting killed while doing what you like is not heroic. If I get killed by my laptop exploding that does not make me a hero. If a dip shit gets killed by an animal that does not make him a hero. Getting killed while fighting satan and his manyfold minions is heroic, Dyeing for ones emperor is heroic.

No I'm not picking you up

Okay don't ask me at 2 in the morning to pick you up from the bar. Fuck that shit. I go to bed at about 1. That means I'm asleep. And that means I'm going to be pissed.

I have told only two people that I will pick them up at that time of night. And they both happen to not be drunks. They are also the most stable people I know. I know if they need help in the middle of the fucking night its eaither a break down or they need me to help them dispose of a body.

I am not a fucking taxi service. Don't call me if you just need a ride. If I do give you a ride it better be because we both have the same destination.









Ohh thats my car alright, but I don't see Ed's Fucking Taxi Service on it.