How to be a BAMF returns

I have been informed that my tips on how to be a BAMF were very informative and helpful but that I needed to impart more of my wisdom onto the world of pussies and metrosexuals. (Shane once called himself one, that is why he will always be a walking vagina)

BAMF LESSON #1
When talking to women never ever let more than three seconds of silence ensue, so if you have nothing to talk about you should ask her if she will come to your house for you to perform sexual acts on her

Example: After hunting a shark all day with a girl and an old man, the old man has just left
Girl- I'm really tiered
Scott-Yeah I am too, but I'm really wired you know?
Girl-Yeah
Scott-Why don't I take you home and eat your pussy?
Girl-Okay, that sounds really good.

It's amazing how often this method works. All your man friends will be impressed with the ease you pick up random women and the ladies will be intrigued about you when they hear about your sexual prowess.

BAMF LESSON #2
When at the mall make sure you go out of your way to inflict pain on the queens at Hollister and other places Shane would shop.

Example: You go to the mall to see Ronny James Dio during an album signing tour, you pass by Hollister an over priced clothing store for metrosexuals.
Faggy Hollister Kid- Can I help you to look fabulous?
You-FUCK YOU (next think FHK should see is your fist)
FHK-Oh my nose. I think you broke it.

The amount of pain you inflict should be inverse to the size shirt the FHK is wearing, because its policy for Hollister employees to wear clothing that is two sizes to small. So if they are wearing a size 2 beat them so that they have an eight on the pain scale. Don't worry about them wearing anything above size six (so you can give them a minimum of a 4 on the pain scale) Because Hollister doesn't pay anyone who looks like a normal human.

Charles Bronson hates metrosexuals and thus he hates Shane.

BAMF LESSON #3
When you see a group of people you don't like, inform them the order in which you will kill them. Then kill them out of order.

Example: You see a get together of a group of tools from high school
You-Alex you will be the first to die and Shane will be the last.
Shane-Cops can drink on the job...he he he thats all I gots to say.
You-(Pick him up by the leg and dangle him over a cliff)
Shane-(while pissing himself) Don't kill me!
You- Remember when I said I would kill you last?
Shane-yes yes oh god don't kill me!
You- I LIED (and let go of his leg)

The key to make this work is to then ask them if they remembered which order they were supposed to be killed in. It gives you a much more dramatic effect.John Matrix told Sully that he would die last...Matrix Lied

BAMF LESSON #4
When your friend has a brand new kid look at it and imply that it looks very much yourself.

Example: Mitch and Erica just had a kid (Note, Mitch has not knocked her up because he is a pimp who knows how not to fuck up his life)
Mitch-I shall call him mini me.
Scott-Lawl, ur going to have to listen to gay shit and not slayer around your kid.
Mitch-Fuck that.
You-Hey he has my eyes.
Mitch-What the fuck man?
You-I'm just saying that those eyes and that massive cock must come from his real father.

Sure you might actually get your ass kicked, and thats a big if since you've learned how to be a BAMF already, but its alright. You see your actually introducing violence to your friends new kid. As the kid will watch a full out fist fight ala They Live. The kid will forever be hard after watching so much awesome. Bonus points go if the kid is actually your's and you do trick your friend into raising it.

BAMF LESSON #5
Headbutt people who think they are the man. It doesnt matter who they think they are what matters is that you put them in their place and show them that you are infact the man and a BAMF.

Example: You are meeting your girl friends father for the first time.
GF- Now be nice, and I'll reward you with sex.
You-Okay
GF- (lets you in the house) Hey daddy meet______.
GFs Dad-How do you do son.
You-Ohh I'm not your son (BAM You just headbutted the dad so hard that he was knocked uncontious)
GF-What the fuck did you do to my dad?
You-... ... ...
GF-Well what do you have to say for yourself?
You-What do you say we come back to my place and I'll eat your pussy?
GF-Okay

You see the key to this one is that you knock the person out. That lets you have a clear advantage over them because when they wake up the first thing they will remember is your forehead rocketing at them at Mach 5. They will always know that you are infact the man and that they are your bitch forever.
This image should be so burned into the mind of your adversary that this is actually what you would see if you cut there brain open.

Tips For Containing The Undead

So I saw 28 Weeks Later, and it FUCKING PWNED!!!

It got me thinking about containment measures. Containing an out break is very important as you don't want the undead feasting on brains everywhere.

Tip # 1
-Never ever let children near the zombie quarantine zone.
You see children are stupid and they will do stupid things that children do, like not listen to the Army, run away from home, and search for dead bodies.

Thats right teach those meddling kids a lesson about playing with the undead.

Tip # 2
-Shoot children that enter quarantine zones.
Better to shoot them on sight and tell there parents that they were eaten by the undead hord

Tip # 3
-Feed the old folks to the undead.
Old people are only going to slow the living down, and lets face it old people would be awesome undead because they have no teeth and they are very weak.

Tip # 4
-Fire Bomb everything that moves
Lets face it when the undead are streaming out on the streets their is only one way to kill them...With FireKill them the same way you would kill Shane, WITH FIRE!!!

Tip # 5
-Make sure that no children occupy the same contenent as the undead outbreak.
If you see 28 Weeks you will understand

Tip # 6
-Place snipers on sky scrapers

Give them lots of ammo and food and make sure the door to the rest of the building is completely sealed off and a guard is placed to make sure the door is not compromised. The snipers can thin the undead numbers and they can call out movements to the guys who are dropping fire on the streets.Those snipers loathe the Strog...The worst kind of undead of all...undead, cyborg, xenos.

Tip # 7
-If in doubt put them down.
If you encounter some one who you think is infected, you kill them. It's far more important that the undead do not spread into safe zones then possibly finding a cure or vacine. Lets face it we've seen to many scientist get turned into the main course to the feast of brains.

Tip # 8
-Listen to the soldiers.
I've fought many campaigns and many many zombie invasions, and I know for a fact that only the soldiers can stop the undead. Any zombie movie that is based on civies always says the military fails but then again the civies never do anything except get turned into undead. But then if you play a zombie game you'll find that soldiers are the ones that single handedly stop Satan's hoard (Its a sign of the apocalypse when you see undead because they are Satan's manyfold minions)

Those are a few tips that will make the containment of the undead just a little easier.

Epic Tales Episode Two

Indeed it is that time again when I retell another story from the holy tomb known as The Book Of Epic Tales. What are we going to learn today? Well today is Cinco De Mayo and we will learn the true story of how the French were defeated in Mexico.

Would you let your children near this man?

Long ago in the distant land of Mexico Santa Anna was crying for being defeated by America in one of the finest military victories in the history of North American warfare. Santa Anna decided to call his good friend Napoleon who had just got his ass kicked by the Duke of Wellington. (greatest Pimp to ever come out of Britain) They both needed a military victory to prove they werent total pussies. So they went to there friend Willie Wonka and asked him to fund an invasion of the United States, which was mistakenly known to have Umpa Lumpa's in great supply. Willie gave them the green light and outfitted them the finest army a candy fortune could buy.

Mean while Captain Scott Mitchel was deep in the shit, battling Kim Jung Il for five days straight on top of a train. (Kim was wearing a mech suit) After defeating Kim whom was thrown off the train and eaten by a flock of seagulls. Mitchel was looking forward to some R&R with his good friend Ding Chavez who had just foiled yet another Neo Nazi Terrorist Organization or NNTO for short. They were going to visit Jack Bauer who had just finished torturing an entire staff at a New Mexico Burger King for not making his burger his way. He let them live after the 285 hour ordeal when he realized that he was mistaken and that he did order mayo on his double Whopper with cheese.

Thats a Face that says FUCK YOU to anti Americanisms-Ding Chavez

They were all enjoying a beer with each other congratulating themselves for saving America once again from all the threats of the world. Then Jack, who has been so preconditioned to kill all things that hate America, saw a massive army of French and Mexican soldiers crossing the border. He informed his comrades that illegal immigration was going on. Ding pulled out his SCAR-H which he always kept on him just in case an army of pansies ever crossed the boarder. And Scott pulled out his trusty SAW. They engaged the Mexican French Army with extream predjudice. Many Mexicans and French men fell. Yet they still moved upon the three stoake heros. Jack Bauer riped a Mexicans Skull out and procided to beat any French men who came withen arm reach. Ding prayed that god would give him more ammo.

God did grant him his wish. Because at that very moment Chuck Norris plumeted to earth. (Chuck had gone to fight with the Space Marines against the Tau) Chuck Norris landed in the middle of the un American army. He kicked Santa Annas head clean off and ripped Napoleans hand clean off. (thats why he always hid his stump in his coat pocket) Chuck Norris killed thousands of troops in mere seconds.

When the dust cleared only four men were left alive. Chuck Norris calmly walked over to Ding, Scott, and Jack and thanked them for protecting America and that they had gained his respect as American hero's and intergalactic Pimps. He then told them that he must go and tell small boys that they have AIDS.

Scott, Ding and, Jack were very happy with the carnage and called all of their friends in Rainbow, Delta, SF, and the CIA to have a Bar B-Q.

Napolean ran back to France where he was beaten by Wellington once again at Waterloo. Mexico lied about what had happened to the combined army and said that it was Mexico who defeated the French. And Willie Wonka never was able to enlarge his slave labor force. He was eventually found dead with an Umpa Lumpa stuck up his ass. It is believed that Mr T was sent by the State Department to discuss slave labor laws with Mr Wonka"Mr T don't like no slave labor" Not many people know that